So You Don’t Want to Dance?

Hello there! I finally found my blog. It was hiding under my bed along with my 2010 New Year’s Resolutions. I left it there along my backpack after getting back from Europe. Now that I found my blog, I thought I’d write on it. You know, so I don’t have to finish cleaning under my bed.

As we begin the New Year and begin new challenges, I thought I could help people with an often sought New Year’s Resolution – avoiding dancing.

While many people may seek to enhance their dancing skills in 2011, there is a select group out there looking to avoid dancing in any sort of public situation. I thought I’d lend my knowledge to the uncoordinated, the unbalanced and the particularly hard up — the un-rhythmed.

A helpful look back into my hard-earned knowledge:

1984-6: So uncoordinated as a child, I had to have coordination therapy. Didn’t know that even existed? Well, now you know.

1989: I ask my parents for ballet lessons. Feeling this would be a humiliating experience for my poor soulless little feet, they tell me that I am “better suited for pottery.” Spoiler alert: The pottery wheel? It requires rhythm.

1996: Elaine of Seinfeld infamously breaks out her horrible dancing. People for the rest of my life will ask me if I’m a bad dancer like Elaine. Knife twisting in the wound.

1999: I attend a statewide student council retreat in Greeley. Unbeknownst to me, the weekend ends with a dance. Panic stricken, I tell them my aunt died and have my Mom drive up to get me. It was a close call but dancing was averted.

2007: I complete a life goal of taking ballet lessons at the Arvada Center. My parents were right. I am “better suited for pottery.”

2011: My boyfriend buys a Kinect. We play the dancing game. I am unable to perform “the tower,” “the say what” and anything else that requires the ability to move. At all.

Now that we have established my history, let me share my techniques to avoid dancing in public.

The food table: The food table is your friend in dancing and any awkward social circles. People who are eating, can’t dance.

Drinking: You know who else can’t dance? People in line at the bar. Careful kids, this is an advanced strategy. If you end up in line at the bar too many times, you may end up drunk, thinking dancing is a good idea. That your dancing is good. That your dancing partner is good. That your dancing with a partner, when you’re alone in the middle of the dance floor.

Family emergencies: See 1999, student council retreat.

The bathroom: This is where I spent the slow dances of my youth.

Don’t make eye contact: It is a truth universally acknowledged that women are always in need of a dance partner. Sometimes men really want to dance with you. Sometimes it is a friend telling her boyfriend, “go ask Elaine to dance.” Sometimes it is your friend Wags telling the really drunk guy that you’re really into him after your date has passed out for the evening. And then the really drunk guy steps All. Over. Your. Feet. And then he proceeds to tell you what an awful dancer you are. Look at the floor.

Making out: When in doubt, make out.

So now you’re ready to go into 2011, head held high in your corner, refusing to dance.