A Suburban Guide to Cheese

A glorious sea of cheese balls

As much as my food preferences might have gotten more sophisticated from my days of Happy Meals, there is one way my palette has refused to get more sophisticated. Cheese.

I love fancy, smelly cheeses like any yuppie. But my true love lies with cheese that comes out of a package in an orange color so glorious that God himself must have made it. You know what I’m talking about – Kraft Macaroni Cheese (spirals only, please).

If you grew up in Arvada, Colorado – and you wish you did – then you know that cheese doesn’t come from cows. It comes from a box or in foil packets. So let other foodies regale you about the glories of Haystack Mountain Goat Cheese. I want to give you the ultimate guide to the cheese from the eighties.

This is America. And here, our American Cheese isn’t so much a cheese as a “cheese product.”

Suburban Cheeses:

• Kraft Macaroni and Cheese: Oh man. A staple of childhoods everywhere, Kraft Mac & Cheese is the stuff dreams are made of. Every child makes a foray into cooking by getting to open the package of glistening powdery cheese and dumping it onto the noodles (again – sprirals only). A completely unnourishing meal for less than a dollar. Pro tip: Add the milk and butter first, it makes the cheese go on smoother.

• Cheese in a Can: Don’t turn down your nose until you’ve enjoyed this glorious concoction. Imagine: It’s the eighties and you are in a great white station wagon with your family on the way to a hike. You’re car sick and your sister is shoving you over as far as possible to your side by taking her bare foot and smashing your face on the passenger side window. Then, behold. Your mom takes out Ritz crackers and begins spritzing cheese out of a CAN. It was magical. Don’t discount the can when it comes to food. It giveth us both whipped cream and orange chemicals that spray out cheese.

• Cheese Balls in a Canister: Another staple of the Ellis family picnic. You whip out a canister to seal the freshness of balls of chemicals slathered in orange chemical cheese. Foods should always stain your fingertips. (see also: Cheetos)

• Ball Park Nachos: Grating cheese is for the ambitious. Real people know that cheese comes out in pumps. 1… 2… 3… squirts and you’re out at the ole’ ball game.

• Velveeta Cheese: Bless Kraft for this giant block of chemical-y goodness. My college roommate Jackie was the one who made me aware that this was the proper methodology to grilled cheese. There is no better way to follow a day of Natty Light and yet another Irish loss by grilling out on your Formica countertops with the Foreman.

• Kraft Singles: These just gross me out.

In my next post, I will expand upon the virtues of Lunchables.